The Middle Child

A middle child starts out as the youngest sibling, and was the oldest child’s “baby.” He has worked hard to find his niche in the family, both wooing and competing with the older child. Suddenly, another baby comes along. Everyone is ecstatic. Everyone except him. All of them concentrate on this new baby – including the older child. The middle child is deserted by everyone, including his rival, whom he can no longer even provoke into a squabble.

If a younger child becomes a middle child, the hardest part may be the “desertion” of the older child, who will turn to the new baby. The older child will no longer be as available to play or fight.

The second child is now a “middle child.” With everyone, including his older sibling, concentrating on the new baby’s latest antics, the middle child feels as if the rug were pulled out from under him. To him, being in the middle feels like being forgotten.

He may try to provoke, to show off, to cry out for someone – anyone. Unless a parent hears this cry, he continues to be without a sounding board, without a reliable advocate. Some middle children learn to turn their wish to be cared for into caring for others – later.

A middle child may try to make up for his loneliness with friends. But he may seem irritable, and depressed. He may want to run away. He picks at his food, wakes up at night. He gets fed up with the dog, but he loves the dog. Parents will ask, “Why are you so upset? Isn’t she a cute baby? Look at her watch you, adoring you.” Of course, she looks at everybody that way because they all adore her. The eyes and the winning smile everyone saves for the baby makes the middle child “want to puke.” How could he ever like her?

In time, the middle child may start to mother the baby. But when the baby screeches, he wants to swat her over the head. But he doesn’t, and soon he may find that he can woo the baby from his older sister. Not often, but just enough to make it worth the effort. When he fails, he’ll battle with the little one.

Sibling rivalry is always near the surface. “Will they ever just get along?” parents wonder in desperation. A middle child may continue to wish for a unique role such as “first” or “last.” He may try even harder to live up to the oldest, or he may try to be entirely different, seeking his own niche. He may even play it for all he can. “You always give in to her. And you’re always so proud of him. You treat me like a middle child.” He is likely to provoke a response from his parents. They are aware of the label and of their own role in having labeled him.

But don’t let the middle child make you feel guilty. The myth of the “middle child,” and parents’ worries about it, may be more powerful than its reality. My middle daughter can always get at me when she says, “You treat me like a middle child!” Do I? I don’t think so, until she accuses me of it. The “book end” children do have special places (the eldest and the baby), but maybe the middle is a special place as well. A middle child isn’t as likely to be as overwhelmed as the first child, nor as overprotected as the baby. It may be a freer spot to be in. One can always just disappear in a crisis. Some middle children even figure out how to use this position in the family to ensure that no one expects as much of them.

Some middle children find they have unique creative gifts that allow them to distinguish themselves from the first born in their families. Others will learn to be the peacemakers; they will mediate conflicts and feel responsible for everyone’s well being. They feel the pressure, but also the rewards of being in the middle. Our second child found her way by nurturing her baby brother, and she became invaluable. When a middle sibling can define a necessary role for himself in the family, he feels needed and competent.

Helping The Middle Child Feel Valued

Remind a middle child of his talents. Praise him for his resilience, in adjusting to the baby, and finding his own role. Let the middle child groan and complain – even blow up about how hard he works to be a contributing member of the family. As he feels heard, he will learn a lot about himself. Face whatever bias you may have about a middle child. Maybe it reminds you of your own past, or that of a family member. But remember, you’ve given him a family to care about, to compete with, and to fall back on.Don’t feel sorry for him. Pity will only push a child to focus on the negative aspects of his situation. Every position in the family has its rewards and burdens. The give and take demanded of each child is the cement that makes the family strong.

This article is adapted from “Understanding Sibling Rivalry,” by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua D. Sparrow, M.D., published by Da Capo Press, a member of The Perseus Books Group.