My son is almost 5 and an only child. He loves to talk and interrupts quite often. My husband and I have talked with him about taking turns when speaking, but we have yet to see much improvement. Is it just the age, or is there more we should be doing?
We are also concerned about the relationship between our son and another child at school. The two of them were in preschool together and friends for a couple of years. The other boy has begun acting out in negative ways and sometimes tries getting others to join in the behavior.
When our son has been the target, we have suggested he tell the other child that he does not like the action(s) and then walk away. He is comfortable with walking away (although the other boy often persists) but doesn't want to say anything that might hurt his feelings. I don't want to discourage his compassion for others but don't want him to feel unable to stand up for himself either.
We would like to know how to speak with our son better about both issues.
Five is indeed an age when children want to intrude, partly to test their newfound power over others—adults and peers. The other, more subtle reason for the irresistible urge to break into parents' conversation arises from what Freud called the Oedipal struggle. Children this age want to possess each of you as their own and may have trouble putting up with the intimacy of your speaking together.
Of course, parents must insist on their need to be in close touch, and a child this age shouldn't be allowed to interfere—for his sake as well as yours. As much as he wants to interrupt and have you all to himself, he'd feel terrified and out of control if he succeeded! An only child may have an even more difficult time learning that he doesn't need to be the center of everyone's attention. He can be adored but not arrogant.
You are right to want to help him, but I sense from your language that you and your husband may feel torn because you find his interruptions hard to resist—maybe even precocious? No matter how compelling your son makes himself, if you can insist each time that he wait his turn, you will be teaching him to value other people's significance.
This kind of sensitivity is priceless and sometimes seems almost like a lost art. And it sounds as if you are afraid an only child may not have the opportunities to learn to value the rights of others, as one would in a larger family, but there isn't any reason why he can't. You can start helping him develop this valuable social asset by labeling each interruption: "You are interrupting now. It's Daddy's turn. After he's finished, we will be ready to hear your idea. Meanwhile, Daddy's idea came first."
Don't let a single interruption slip by without doing this, or you'll be giving him a mixed message (sometimes it's OK to interrupt, and sometimes it isn't). It may seem like discipline, but it is in an important cause: learning how to value others and to listen as well as just to talk. Your child does sound exciting, and it must be intriguing to hear all his ideas. You can reassure him that if he waits his turn, you'll be sure to listen to what he has to say.
Second question: I am not sure what "negative ways" you refer to, but most children at this age begin to "try their wings." It's a way of both testing the system and of learning an important goal—how to stop themselves when their wishes are getting out of hand. They may be used to hearing parents say, "I have to stop you until you can stop yourself." But at this age they must find out for themselves whether or not you still will, whether or not you still can.
For your son, living vicariously through his friend's troublemaking may be a safe and appealing way to try this out. Of course, he's both attracted and repelled. All the other 5-year-olds are too.
Although you may prefer to say it is all the other child's fault, if you can face your son’s role in the "negative ways," you'll stand a better chance of helping him understand what he's up to. Let him know that all children are bound to be curious about "getting into trouble," even though they know they shouldn't.
You might ask him, "How do you feel when you do ‘bad stuff’?" With this question, you are not condoning the behavior but helping him to realize that he feels both excited and guilty if he would go too far.
Becoming aware of these guilty feelings is not unhealthy but, instead, a powerful motivation to keep himself under control. His friend may be silently asking the others to help him take this kind of perspective on his mischievous urges and to learn to stop himself.
Walking away, as you suggest, is one way to handle these situations. But as a close friend, he may be able to find other ways to help his friend that will allow him to stand up for himself. "I don't want to get into trouble. And I don't want you to either. Because we're friends." Warn him that his friend may thump his chest in response, "Scaredy cat! No one's gonna catch me!" Your son can still stick up for himself and say, "That's no reason to do bad stuff!"
At this age children should know that breaking rules will lead to punishment. But recognizing the reasons for obeying rules for their own sake is a whole new world. They will both be learning together, the good and the bad. Then your son can be proud of himself—as a friend, not as a victim.
© Copyright 2012. All rights reserved by Joshua Sparrow MD and T. Berry Brazelton MD.
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Questions for Families Today can be submitted through this online form. Questions of general interest may be answered in this column, which may be posted on a Families Today web area or collected in book form. Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow regret that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.
(Dr. T. Berry Brazelton heads the Brazelton Touchpoints Project, which promotes and supports community initiatives for families. Dr. Joshua Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is director of Special Initiatives at the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the center at www.touchpoints.org.)
