Perfect at School but Unruly at Home

My 8-year-old nephew is a wonderful student who is one of the teachers' favorites. At church they praise him. 

Yet at home he is a whole different person. He fights with his younger siblings and almost forces us to punish him as he pushes until we have to take action. It's almost like he thrives on agitating everyone.

My sister has been separated from his father for three years, and he visits only occasionally. My father spends a lot of time with my nephew doing sports, yard work, homework, and playing with him, as do I. 

When we ask my nephew to help out, he mocks us to the point where we tell him we will take his privileges away-- he doesn't care. Eventually he starts crying and acting like a toddler having a tantrum. He says things that a normal 8-year-old wouldn't say, like "Mommy, I'm just going to walk onto the freeway." There have been a couple of times when he opened the door while my sister was driving and forced her to stop and grab the door.

But everywhere else he is the perfect child who makes A's in school. My mother watches the kids while my sister works. My sister makes time for her children. At home every night we have dinner as a family. We don't know what we are doing wrong.

You seem to be describing a child who works very hard to be perfect in school and at church. But he pays a price for it.

Although your nephew needs to blow off steam, he needn't be out of control. He needs your limits to make it safe for him to blow off this steam he's collected at school or at church. Even acting like a baby must help him get back in balance after a costly performance of perfection. And it sounds like he may be the oldest, so there may be even more pressure on him to "act his age" and fewer chances to let himself take a break without falling apart.

We hate to hear you doubt and reproach yourselves. It sounds as if you as an extended family are doing all you can to help him and to support your sister. Your father's relationship with him must be so important to a little boy whose own father is not very available. Your mother sounds wonderful as a help to your sister--and you must be too. You sound like a family who cares for each other. Even your question to us shows how much you want to help.

We can't know why he is having such a hard time right now. It would be helpful to know if his outbursts are new or if he'd been having similar ones even before his father left.

His lack of clamoring for his father may mean that his angry and hurt and guilty feelings—like most children in this situation, he probably blames himself for his father's departure—and his longings are so overpowering that he can't begin to acknowledge them. He probably isn't aware of how much it costs him to be so angry, but a bundle of confusing and pent-up feelings may be behind his explosions.

Opening the car door and talking about walking onto the freeway are signs that his ability to cope is overwhelmed by whatever feelings he is struggling with. These are cries for help and they need to be taken seriously. Can you and your family arrange for him to meet with a qualified child therapist who can sort through the possibilities and help him understand himself so that he can regain control? His pediatrician should be able to help make a referral. When you are all doing all you can, and it isn't enough, it's time to seek help.

Your sister must be distraught when he falls apart screaming and regressing to being a toddler or a baby. She may feel responsible for the loss of his father and, as a result, for his pain. He may sense her panic, and this may lead him to more out-of-control behavior.

When he starts to build to a "blow up," maybe she (or you, or his grandparent) can gather him up, sit down in a rocking chair, and say quietly, "Now you are losing control. I can't let you. It frightens you and it frightens us. We will hold you until you feel safe again."

Discipline (not punishment) and limits that help him control himself are reassuring at such a time. As soon as he relaxes, help him understand why he loses control. "You are such a wonderful kid, but it costs you a lot to be such a star. Maybe we can help you find a safer way to let off steam, so you don't have to take it out on all of us who care about you. I'm sure it makes you sad afterward, as it does us. We love you and are proud of how well you do at school and at church. But it costs you too much."

Once he is calm, you can work together to identify the early warning signs and respond to help him settle down before he boils over again. It does sound as if he is looking for a response from you with his negative behavior. It may help to plan regular reinforcing responses to his positive behavior. A child psychologist could help him understand himself and guide all of you to help him with techniques that aren't as frightening. He needn't be a hero everywhere else and pay such a price at home.